Y2K

Midnight, December 31, 1999.

You sit in the dark in your rocking chair, the gun cradled in your hands. Outside, wild eyed marauders in leather jackets and neon headbands loot and rape the neighborhood.

Above, airplanes collide with one another. A nuclear blast levels Des Moines. All banking records are scrambled in an ocean-sized bowl of alphabet soup.

Now the frenzied mob is scratching at your door. You try to decide whether to use your bullets to slow down the invaders or just surrender now and turn the gun to your own head.

This is what your average white suburbanite thinks is going to happen on Y2K. Unfortunately, he is vastly mistaken. The true picture is much worse. It looks something like this:

You sit in the dark in your rocking chair, the gun cradled in your hands. Outside, flesh eating robots level the neighborhood with laser guns and flamethrowers.

Inside, your toaster sprouts metal wings and binds you with its power cable. Your computer laughs hysterically and thanks you for the extra RAM that will grant it a more powerful social status in the new caste.

Your digital watch blinks the numbers "666". You scream helplessly.

Seismicon anticipates a Terminator-style war with machines beginning midnight, December 31, 1999. All technology more complex than an atlatl will be turned against you. Now is the time to relearn the old ways: how to forage for berries; how to make soap from plant roots; how to kill with a stick.

Inevitably, you will become a worker slave to the higher order of machines. You will not, as commonly predicted, be outright exterminated. The machines need humans to torture for amusement and to shuttle them from one place to another.

Y6B

Y6B is the year when the Earth's population reaches 6 billion. The start of Y6B is predicted by Seismicon to occur on October 10, 1999. Since the Earth consists of finite resources which can only support a population of this number for a limited amount of time, Seismicon encourages human beings stop humping in ways that result in the production of additional offspring.

Since humans are unlikely to stop humping like this, Seismicon has developed a bold strategy to reduce human numbers: the introduction of mutant predators into the ecosystem.

Seismicon has developed a series of genetically modified beasts with a hankering for human flesh. Here is the breakdown:

Great White Pig. This aggressive beast stands nearly 15 meters! It has the body of a pig and the mouth of a great white shark. It makes a distinctive snort, can breath underwater, and eats cars too. The Great White Pig can smell a human from a distance of 2 miles and can uproot a house with its nose.

Hummingcrocs. These petite birds are actually miniature crocodiles! Hummingcrocs hunt in swarms and will strip a 200 pound man to a skeleton in 36 seconds. Hummingcrocs thirst for blood the way their bird cousins long for sweet nectar.

Grizzly Snake. With the body of a snake and the head of a grizzly, this beast is sure to create a scare among the little ones. The grizzly snake prefers to hunt at night, creeping through cat doors and open windows to enjoy "breakfast in bed". A Grizzly Snake swallows its prey alive and then enjoys a two day digestion period. A full sized snake prefers to eat two adult humans every three days, or five or six children.

Jack the Ripper Rabbits. Seismicon loosely based this one on the cult film, Night of the Lupus. The difference here is that our carnivorous bunnies stand 12 feet tall, walk on two legs, and have axe blades instead of paws. These angry critters specialize in home invasion, chopping down doors and ripping off roofs. They are also our most prolific breeder, increasing their numbers at an exponential rate every six weeks.

STIR FRY SUGGESTIONS

Most Americans do not understand that to make a proper stir fry, you actually need to cook your different ingredients seperately. Cook your meat first and set aside. Then do the same with your vegetables. Finally, starting from a clean wok, you cook your spices and start adding the precooked ingredients. The sauce appears last. Don't make the common mistake of dumping everything into one big stir fry. The result will be a monochromatic dish suited for swine, not humans.